The baby is 0.75 years old today. To celebrate, I drew a curly mustache on her and gave her a pipe* to smoke:
Her mum and I also spent the morning reflecting on her little achievements on her journey towards becoming a Human. And it dawned on me that raising a child is just en endless cycle of looking forward to them doing something new, then being disappointed when it finally arrives.
And these milestones – apparently they are quite predictable – you can get charts that tell you where your baby should be at all times. In some ways, it’s quite comforting that human development is fairly easy to track like this. In other ways it’s a shame. Ideally I’d want a baby that can’t sit up but can play violin. Sadly, basic human development rules that out. Likewise, we’ll never have a toddler who can fill a pipe with tobacco, light it and enjoy the rich brown aromas for what they are, without fear of judgement.
So for the sake of any parents with a baby under 9 months, here are the milestones you can expect your kid to reach soon, along with their matching downside:
1) Rolling. Oh. My. God. Did you see that?!! It means nothing, but your nappy changing skills need to improve fast.
2) Sitting. Yaaaay! Now she’s way way way more likely to face-plant, scream and make you look like a bad parent.
2) Eating mush. Clever girl. We’re going to have to buy a tumble drier and a new washing machine
3) Crawling. She’s so strong! And the square footage of floor space now I have to clean on a DAILY basis just increased spectacularly.
4) Standing up while leaning on things. Look at her! Climbing up on the kitchen bin. Again. With her fingers in the top of the bin. And in her mouth. And why are the coasters all on the floor and not on the coffee table? Oh.
4) Understanding the word “no”. She is VERY bright, isn’t she? And now I know for certain when she is wilfully ignoring my commands.
5) Eating solid food. And doing solid shits.
6) Clapping. Oh they learn so fast! And then they never stop clapping, or clap at inappropriate moments like when they catch a glimpse of you having sex.
Ok. I think that covers all of the major development steps I’ve encountered in the last nine months. I know walking and talking are still to come. Can’t see anything to worry about with those though. If anyone reading has older kids, please enlighten me!
*no need to call social services, it’s a brand new pipe that has never seen tobacco, quit worrying already.